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DANGEROUS FOOD TRIGGER WARNINGS

06/26/2014

In light of the recent moves from colleges to apply trigger warnings to books like “The Great Gatsby” (Caution, book contains “a variety of scenes that reference gory, abusive and misogynistic violence”) or Chinua Achebe’s “Things Fall Apart” (Caution: “it may trigger readers who have experienced racism, colonialism, religious persecution, violence, suicide, and more”), we here at CCN have decided that it isn’t enough to warn students about what they put into their eyes. We should also warn them about what they put in their mouths (aside from each others’ genitals). This is why we’re introducing our new segment:

Trigger Warnings for Food

Ring pops may trigger eaters who have experienced divorce or a fear of dying alone. Eat with caution.

Bananas may trigger eaters with a tendency to giggle when they see phallic objects. Also, under the right circumstances may trigger a monkey attack.

Salt may trigger eaters who have a history of being slugs to bubble up and die as a result of simple osmosis. Also readers who have a history of being aggressively licked by deers should not encase themselves in salt and live in a forest.

Eating south of the border may trigger eaters who have an emotional history with Diarrhea.  

Gogurt may trigger kids to realize their parents don’t give a crap about what they put in their kids’ bodies.

 

Caution, pizza is delicious.

Guns are not food. Don’t put this in your mouth. And if you do, definitely don’t pull the trigger.

 

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THE FOOD BIZARRE

06/18/2014

 

Chocolate Starfish Anybody?

 

Every party needs a pooper and, now with these delectable chocolate anuses, you can throw a party chock full of chocolatey poopers!  But somebody oughta tell these guys that Chocolate anuses are usually not the edible kind.  

 

 

 

Breaking Bad Blue Meth Rock Candy

 

Man, first candy cigarettes and now blue meth rock candy.  Willy Wonka's rolling in his grave... that he didn't think of this first!  Now we can sell rock candy with our oregano. Buy yours here: Breaking Bad Blue Meth Rock Candy

 

 

 

 

Duff Beer

Who's America's number one alcoholic hero, besides David Hasselhoff?  That's right, Homer J!  Just like when you were a kid and wanted to "chew" whatever the baseball players were chewing, now you can drink what ail's your new hero, Homer Simpson: Duff Beer.  Buy it here: Duff Beer

 

 

 

Boobs Ice Luge

In Austria this is just a luge that your lady friends slide down, bare breasts first. But here in America, it's a block of ice shaped like your moms' teats so you can suckle the night away with your Halo group.

 

 

 

Cereal Marshmallows

What's better than those little, freeze dried cereal marshmallows that look like tasty alien turds? Well, a whole fucking bag of them, of course!  Who needs a swimming pool filled with gold and diamonds when you can fill it with these!  Buy 'em here: cereal marshmallows

 

And what's better than cereal marshmallows?  

 

 

Stay Puft Marshmallows!

We used to roast them by the fire at Camp Waconda.  Something we all loved from our childhood.  Something that could never ever possibly destroy us.  Go get your own, here: Stay Puft Marshmallows!

 

 

 

African American Water

We happen to agree that far too many Americans have become big babies with their baby bottles full of Poland Springs and adult diapers but this should slow 'em down a little.  Look no further, they're ovah heeah: Blk Water

 

 

 

Bacon Soda

This isn't going to stop us from dipping our bacon strips in our morning pepsi.  Get your 6 pack here: Bacon Soda

 

 

 

Breast Milk Lollipops

Somebody lost a bet.

 

 

Edible Spray Paint

First, Alternating Current is invented and now this!  Edible spray paint wins our award for "Fuck, that's awesome! Now, what do we do with it?".  First thing we're going to do: spray paint our green eggs yellow.  Buy it here: Edible Spray Paint

 

 

  

We did it all for the cookie

We've always associated cookies with a different part of a lady's anatomy, but boobies?  Here's the place to get 'em: FCup Cookies

 

 

How to Cook Your Dragon

We're not sure if this is made from real dragon or the spunk of a LARPER's wet dream but, either way, we're pretty sure it's going to taste like a Dragon's taint.  Get a can, here: Dragon Meat

 

 

 

Gummy Python

We always dreamt that if we were attacked by a giant python that he would be made of delicious gummy.  Buy that shit, here: Gummy Python

 

 

Time will fly with your new Gin & Whiskey Advent Calendar

Remember Christmas time when you made it two days before eating every chocolate santa in the family advent calendar?  Well, live that nostalgia again, like a big kid, by flying through the month with daily shots of artisanal gin or manly whiskey.  You're not an alcoholic you're just a chronophile.

 

 

 

 

Han Solo Carbonite Chocolate

Well, you know what they say "If you can't save 'im, eat 'im."

 

 

 

 

Unfortunate Cookies

No, these are not doused in arsenic, they just have fucked up fortunes.  By fucked up, we mean real, man.

 

 

X Rated Fortune Cookies

Although fortune cookies really are sexy enough, they have actually gotten sexier.  We saved a couple bucks by just improvising fucked up shit as we pretended to read our friends fortunes to them, like "Fuck you asshole" or "Poop face".  You're just a click away from a box of your own, here: X Rated Fortune Cookies

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Colon Cleanser Hot Sauce

Genius, but the name is a bit repetitive, we believe it can be narrowed down to simply "Hot Sauce".  Get cleansing!  Buy it here: Colon Cleanser Hot Sauce

 

 

 

 

Edible Cups

No more picking glass out of your gums, now they've invented cups were actually made to be eaten.  It's a miracle!