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Mike Blejer

MIKE BLEJER

DANGEROUS FOOD TRIGGER WARNINGS

06/26/2014

In light of the recent moves from colleges to apply trigger warnings to books like “The Great Gatsby” (Caution, book contains “a variety of scenes that reference gory, abusive and misogynistic violence”) or Chinua Achebe’s “Things Fall Apart” (Caution: “it may trigger readers who have experienced racism, colonialism, religious persecution, violence, suicide, and more”), we here at CCN have decided that it isn’t enough to warn students about what they put into their eyes. We should also warn them about what they put in their mouths (aside from each others’ genitals). This is why we’re introducing our new segment:

Trigger Warnings for Food

Ring pops may trigger eaters who have experienced divorce or a fear of dying alone. Eat with caution.

Bananas may trigger eaters with a tendency to giggle when they see phallic objects. Also, under the right circumstances may trigger a monkey attack.

Salt may trigger eaters who have a history of being slugs to bubble up and die as a result of simple osmosis. Also readers who have a history of being aggressively licked by deers should not encase themselves in salt and live in a forest.

Eating south of the border may trigger eaters who have an emotional history with Diarrhea.  

Gogurt may trigger kids to realize their parents don’t give a crap about what they put in their kids’ bodies.

 

Caution, pizza is delicious.

Guns are not food. Don’t put this in your mouth. And if you do, definitely don’t pull the trigger.