Chevron recently found themselves on an apology tour to bumblesticks Pennsylvania, when one of their fracking operations, A.K.A "natural gas wells", somehow caught fire and blew up like a drunken Justin Bieber tweet.
In their reparations efforts, Chevron sent out hundreds of apology letters to potentially affected residents that included a gift certificate to a local pizzeria for one large pizza and a two liter drink. We happen to agree that nothing says "I'm sorry for blowing up your town" more than cheesy bread and a giant bottle of sugar water.
One man, whom we found collecting rocks on the side of a busy Pennsylvania highway, contends that Chevron was not at fault and that, in his opinion, the explosion was an elaborate plot set up by the "evil pizza coalition" to sell more pizzas. Another local man commented by saying "I don't know about all that but I do know that the pizza made me gassy". We also asked one local woman her opinion, who snapped "Opinions are like assholes, they're always full of shit".
We were unable to contact Chevron representatives for a comment but, days later, we received a gift certificate for one couples massage at Rubs and Tugs in Pennsylvania. We sent out our crack team of journalists to dig deeper on the story and they were able to find the photo below. It has nothing to do with this story but that guy just lit his water on fire! -